It’s been about a year since I posted. I know, how rude. But I do still exist, and we’ve taken on a lot in this past year.
There was this…
and this …
and this …
It hasn’t been easy, but it hasn’t been tough in a negative way. After all, it takes grit to design the life you want. But it has required a lot more time, energy, and commitment than I anticipated. I guess I needed some space to reflect on it all without an audience.
So, hi. If you are still reading.
There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to fire up the laptop and record what’s been happening. Things I wanted to say to you and lessons I wanted to share. But somehow living it and learning it always outweighed typing it. That may change as I find the balance again.
So, what compelled me to finally draft this post? Well, yesterday was my unniversary again and I didn’t even realize it. I repeat: I had no idea it was my unniversary! Guess who reminded me? DB. But guess how he reminded me?
Sit down. Seriously.
A few days ago, he asked me to meet him and refused to tell me why. I went on good faith with every intention of staying quiet and leaving early (Buddha DFB was going to that meeting, I declared). So when he sat me down, my heart was racing and I was waiting for a bomb. A big one. And I had consciously tried not to contemplate every possible scenario and every possible response. I have developed so much resilience to these shenanigans that I even impressed myself. I’ve been reading and doing a lot of inner work and I was so happy that in this moment, it paid off. Instead of perseverating over this meeting he called 4 days in advance, I simply reached out to a few trusted friends and put them on standby for damage control.
Okay, are you still sitting? I thought you might have gotten restless on that tangent.
He apologized. Seriously. He looked right at me and my growing belly and said, “I keep thinking about you being pregnant and wondering if what I did still effects you. I want you to know that I’m really sorry and it’s not that I didn’t love you, but that I had some issues with our relationship and I felt like I couldn’t talk to you.”
Take that for what you will, Internet. But it’s an important part of my story and I thought I should share it with you.
Hugs to you all. I hope reading about my journey has brought you community, companionship, or solace.
P.S. Baby is due in one month, on our ANNIVERSARY!